TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let's have Yet another spot where American Adult men can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is easier: provide everyone a suite around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle electrical power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in each device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he should prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the project, replied, "You know, man, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as Trump Tower Damascus "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a feature being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents along with the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "the place's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD may have change-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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